Shameless

        Fat – that’s what they call me, and you know what? No, it’s never been okay. You see, our perception of beauty has been tainted.  At least, my perception was for a very long time. Growing up, I idolized those around me who were skinny and beautiful, wondering why I hadn’t been given the same fate – why I, unfortunately, had the problem of being the “fat” girl.  Don’t get me wrong, beauty has no size, nor color, but at a young age, I couldn’t see that. No, my life wasn’t a sitcom where everybody made fun of the fat kids, threw food at them, etc, but I was young and naïve, I just thought that someday I would grow up to become this thin, long legged woman.

      

If there is anything that I have learned in life, it is that my journey is not anybody else’s.  And so, I am slowly making changes in my life.  Not because I let the judgement of others question my worth as a person, but because at the end of the day, I have promised to live my life for myself, and nobody else.  Aside from losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle, my biggest change first comes from within, and that is pledging to love myself – every inch of my body as God has always intended for me to do.  

       I was ashamed of who I was, how God made me!  I spent years wondering why I had to be different, why I couldn’t just blend in with other girls in the crowd, but it wasn’t until high school – perhaps a little later- that I began to grow into myself.  It’s ok to love yourself and work on you, for you. Being a size 2 doesn’t make you healthy, being a size 16 doesn’t mean you’re going to keel over and die at any second. I mean, really.

         Let’s face it, I was so critical of myself and never took the time to appreciate my curves. Only as an adult have I come to love the skin I’min, and wear it proudly.  Yes, I have rolls and stretch marks, but I love everything about me and my journey on self love requires no maintenance from others.  Seriously, the feeling is so frustrating that I’ve honestly tried to write this a million times, but even as my fingers hit the keys, I’m questioning if I’ve said the right thing … if I’ve gotten my point across, and if I’m all alone 
in my thoughts.

I have spent so much time worried about the opinions of others, and hiding myself in shame.  Changing myself is not going to be an easy process; and yet, I truly believe that anything worth working for will never come easily, and that is a challenge I am more than ready to accept.  By loving myself, I choose to be confident, rather than holding my head down in fear … to be open and refusing to let anybody tear me down for their benefit, and lastly, to never lose myself in any of the craziness that may be happening in my life.  My point is that it’s more than okay to love yourself and mold a new “you” in the process; people become so fixated on the “ideal” person, that they don’t take the time to stop and admire who they are in the process. I am working on a better Alana, for Alana … and if you are working on yourself, as well, just know one thing: you are not alone.

 

9 thoughts on “Shameless

  1. TeAsia Battle says:

    I feel this post so much. I was teased a little for being overweight but the thing I was most teased for is for being dark skinned. I can’t explain how much I wish taught self-love when I was younger. It could have had such a positive impact on my life growing up. All we can do now is learn to love and appreciate that women we have become today.

  2. LeaveInspired, By Tysheira says:

    Girl I’ve felt this way being tall. There were boys who made it seem like it was beautiful so I used to have a complex about it. It wasn’t until I got to college that I started to fully embrace it and seen myself as beautiful. Thanks for being transparent in this post.

  3. Lauren Floyd says:

    As long as you’re healthy and happy, that’s all that matters. People can be exceptionally cruel, and you’ll never please them. If it’s not one thing, it’s the other.

  4. Strongerbynature says:

    I’m with you alllll the way when you stated that your journey is no one else’s. I think that so many people forget this and are always comparing themselves to other people and their lifestyle instead of working with what they have. God is not the author of confusion and he hand crafted us all, sometimes it just takes other people to realize how blessed they truly are ! Thank you for this 🙏🏾

  5. driftyness says:

    I’m so impressed that you started to grow into yourself in high school. That was peak insecurity for me. I spent a lot of time criticizing myself when I was younger too, and now I look back and wonder what I was even complaining about. Thank God for growing up! Wishing you the best on your self-love journey!

  6. labellevieblog17 says:

    Self-love is a very long journey. I found that for me, it started with my weight as well. I used to struggle with it but the difference is, I wasn’tt happy then. I am happy now and I’m doing things to be more healthy. Great post!

  7. tsingram says:

    I understand this completely. When I was younger I was chunky. My family would always say something to me about my weight to the point where When I was in school if I was hot or not I would not take off my hoodie. I felt like I was too fat in my size 9 jeans while other girls were skinnier than me wearing 0-4 with thigh gaps. I use to think that if I was skinner I would pretty and all the boys will like me. I realize now that I don’t need anyone’s attention or anyone to tell me if I’m pretty or not. June of last year I was at 150 and I made it a goal to get to 130. I made it but last week I found out 5 lbs of muscle made up my weight and I’m trying to get it back after being sick last week. I feel so much better about my body and I made the move to change my body. I know I could do it and stay dedicated. Society does not run our body. They can’t tell us what’s beautiful and what’s not because everybody has a preference. So I wish you the best of luck and I know you can do it!

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