A friend and I were having a conversation about forgiveness, and our inability to do so at times. As I sat there and listened to him speak, it made me realize that I have an extremely difficult time with forgiving people. It’s one of those instances where I can’t describe why I feel the way I feel – I mean, I’m sensitive so I chalk it up to, “one of those moods that will eventually go away.” I thought about it all night: the “art” of forgiving, as if there’s some type of science behind it. He said, “Holding on to that anger … that feeling, is like poison,” and I swear that phrase hit me a thousand times over in the face. How could something so simple cut so deeply?
Sometimes, we are so caught up in how people deceive us … how they hurt our feelings, and we become so self involved that we hold that grudges for quite some time. Life is too short. Those same grudges we hold over somebody today could be our downfall tomorrow, and sometimes we don’t see it that way. Don’t get me wrong, none of us are perfect – but those same grudges we hold for days … months … years, maybe, are doing nothing but poisoning our bodies. I think about forgiveness, and I ask myself, “Could somebody do something so detrimental to me that I could never forgive them?”
It’s already happened … the man, the coward should I say, who murdered my brother still walks free today. Does it hurt? Tremendously. Could I ever forgive him for what he’s done? Honestly, I can’t. And it’s poison that’s taking over my body, taking over my emotions and making me somebody who, quite frankly, I never thought I would be. I am angry … guarded. I can’t say there weren’t times when I secretly didn’t wish something – something at all – would happen to him. I just wanted him to suffer the same way my family did. I can’t in good faith forgive a man who took an innocent life, and in turn, I have let what he’s done almost turn me into a monster. It’s that poison my friend spoke of. What started out as an innocent conversation turned into this domino effect into my mind and so many things started to click. I hate the fact that I have let the decision of one person change my entire perception of forgiveness, but as I always say, I’m human … I’m working on it.
Sometimes we hold these grudges against others and over time, it changes us. Sometimes, we look in the mirror and don’t even know who we are anymore. I mean, it’s normal, right? Everybody has that one grudge they can’t seem to let go. I’m learning to manifest those feelings of anger and despair into something more … beautiful, and I guess that’s why I felt compelled to sit here and write about it. I can’t make everybody learn to forgive – hell, I can barely even work on forgiveness myself, but I know what it’s done to me, and I don’t want to be that person ever again.