So look right, I haven’t always had a “bad” attitude, but I guess one too many issues in life lead me down this path of the “angry black woman” people so desperately want us to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am a really kind person, but when you constantly mistake my kindness for a sign of weakness, I do not hesitate to put you in check. I’ve been trying to find ways to manifest that anger into something before it consumes me, and the last couple of weeks were a lot to take in – so, I felt as if an adjustment was needed.
Writing, for me, has always been my safe space – it’s made a tremendous impact on who I am as a person. In fact, before I knew what love truly was, I knew that it was what I felt when I began to write. I can’t lie though, the last couple of weeks, I haven’t felt the desire to write when I am angry or things seem “out of tune.” You see, I’ve honestly been thinking about giving up and saying, “forget this blog!” Not because I got tired of writing, but because I have this constant tendency to compare my success to the success of others. I wish I could pinpoint why exactly I do it, I don’t really know.
After all, I’m human, right? These feelings of … jealousy, maybe, should be natural and I know with time they will go away. Sometimes I forget that we all have our own journeys in life, and while some of us are just miles away from the finish line, some of us are still on the first leg of the race. This isn’t to say that I spend all of my time feeling resentment towards others; I love seeing people succeed! It’s just a small part of me who sees everybody celebrating on the sidelines, and I’m still waiting for my chance to get in the game. Every once in a while, I think to myself, “Where am I on this journey we call life?” Again, I truly believe it’s a natural feeling – but maybe it’s something nobody likes to talk about because they don’t want to seem like some green-eyed monster.
After all, who likes to admit that they’re “green with envy?” Nobody – well, maybe me since I am currently writing this post – but I think you get the hint. Instead, what I can say is that I am learning to stop letting the success of others hinder what I have going on in my life. My journey is just that, my own. The sooner we stop comparing ourselves to others and let go, God shows up and says, “Sit back and watch me work!”
I’ve come to realize that sometimes I give up on things and make it seem as if they’re too difficult when, in fact, I fill my head up with so much negativity about my success. I spend a lot of my time comparing my blogs to others, wondering how one person could have “x” number of followers and comments on their blog, and trying to revamp mine so it’s perfect. That’s just the thing, nothing is ever meant to be perfect and I have to be more than okay with that. Measuring the success of others in comparison with mine is what I should not be doing. After all, I’m human and I can’t expect myself to be perfect all the time, nor can I expect the success of others to come to me in such a short amount of time. What I do know is that whether I’ve reached a million people, or ten, to know that somebody out there is reading this and understands is more than enough.
This blog gives me a purpose and allows me to connect with others on a deeper level, something I haven’t been able to do in a long time. In a sense, the months that I have spent working on this blog and writing has taught me a lot more about myself than I thought I ever knew. It’s allowed me to be free, to give a voice to others who may be going through some of the same issues I have felt before, and may not have the courage to share their story. More importantly, it’s allowed me to connect with others and make new connections with people, and for that, I am truly grateful.
I guess you could say …. I just needed to fix my attitude. It was a much needed adjustment.