September is a hard month for me; it’s a month of celebration with birthdays all around, but it’s a constant reminder of the death of my brother. So don’t get me wrong, I love to go out from time to time and be around good people, positive vibes are everything to me. The music is bumpin’, the drinks are flowing, and it’s nothing but love around you. I mean, like I said, you have to keep your circle full of like minded, cool ass people. That’s exactly how tonight (Saturday) started. After a crazy work week, my sisters and I decided to take a night of fun and relax – I always have a good time with them, so I expect nothing less than that.
And yet, after all the drinks were consumed, time slowly reached to around 1:30 AM and before I knew it, it was final call – You know, last call for alcohol or whatever it means. As the lights slowly crept on one by one, the joy on people’s faces seemed to turn into … anger. You know how it is, you get a few drinks in you, people are bumping into each other, and before you know it, somebody is ready to fight. We dispersed into the streets, and it was like entering the jungle. There are people all around you, walking in different directions – yelling across the street to one another. Your ears are ringing; the base is still thumping in your head and everywhere around you, chaos has let loose. I don’t know what happened tonight, but I panicked. Yes, I was with a group of people but in those minutes I had never felt so alone – it was as if we were all thrown into different directions, and before I knew, they had all become faces I couldn’t seem to recognize among the crowd. And in the midst of chaos, all I could see around me was red and blue …. Flashing lights. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and my first instinct was to dial somebody’s number in my phone – I just wanted to tell them that if anything were to happen … I loved them, and I would be home soon.
Police swarming around trying to control the crowd, unknowingly inciting more drama, because they walk around with these looks saying, “Give me a reason.”
I can’t really tell you what happened, of course it’s not a secret, it was just something I had to block out and I swear I kept closing my eyes and clicking my heels like Dorothy (from The Wiz, of course) because there’s no place I wanted to be more at the moment, than home. It made me think about the night my brother was shot – people coming out of the club just trying to get home, like me, unaware that they’ve danced their last dance, said their final goodbyes to their friends and ventured home. I’ve never felt strong enough to talk about it, but today, I have to get it off my chest. Less than twenty four hours before my brother was shot, we had our final conversation, and I was mad at him. I was fucking mad, y’all. Why? Because we’re siblings, of course we fight, of course we argue. As a matter of fact, to this day I can’t even tell you what was said because it was so damn stupid. But one thing I didn’t say was, “I love you.” I’ve been carrying around this immense guilt.
All because I was so busy trying to be the bossy big sister that I let things get in the way and I didn’t tell my little brother I loved him. I never got the chance. It’s ironic, that same night, I watched his stories on snapchat. The music was bumping, the drinks were flowing, and there was nothing but love around him. He literally lit up the room with his light; I watched him dance and rap … and I went to bed, unaware that less than two hours later, I would get a phone call that changed my life.
Tonight was similar to that – I walked out and all I could see was Julian all around me. People laughing, hugging one another … people arguing and yelling at one another. Cops swarming in ready to pounce any second like a tiger among their prey. I’m not saying I go out every time, anticipating drama, but tonight was a trigger for me, and it was truly scary.
Even now that I’m home … safe, it’s just one thing I can’t seem to get out of my head: flashing lights.