Back, again.
Nobody told me that the grief period never truly ends; sometimes those feelings fade, and you mask them with the happiness in your life. Other times, that grief swaddles you like a baby, wrapping you in sorrow … covering you in complete sadness. The last three years have been nothing but grief: 1,095 days.
I’ve said “goodbye” more times than I would have liked; oddly enough, the majority of them are still here, it’s just our season passed in this lifetime. I’ve mourned the loss of friendships, the loss of relationships, losing my grandmother, and the loss of my self worth. You see, the problem with saying, “goodbye” is that you’re closing the door on something you loved so purely …. someone you loved so innocently. If it’s anything that I’ve learned however, it’s that in order to grow you have to realize that everything you hold true to your heart won’t always be there. I keep wondering about all the things I should’ve said … all the things I could’ve done in those final moments among friends and family before things abruptly came to an end. I wonder if in those moments when I chose to end a friendship/relationship, I should’ve told them how they made me feel. Instead, I felt as if it would be falling on deaf ears, so why waste my time? I truly believe that maybe that was God’s way of telling me it was finally ok to simply let go - to forgive them (because I’m at a point in my life where I can forgive and not forget).
It’s taken me months to write this - years, honestly. I wish I could tell you why. Perhaps, I thought nobody would want to read it; that feeling of invalidity and lack of self worth has haunted me for some time. I felt …. inadequate and ashamed. In the midst of some of the darkest moments in my life, there was this constant need to keep a smile on my face, because nobody truly needed to see that behind closed doors, I was a mess.
Grief, as we know it, is inevitable. Everyone will experience it in their lives … how we conquer those feelings is what makes us stand out amongst a sea of people. People just trying to find their way. This feeling - grief - changes you. It makes you cold … distant. It makes you wonder how life is even remotely possible to continue without your loved ones, because the thought of them no longer being in your life makes you sick to your stomach. I felt that … I feel it.
And yet, with a swift kick in the ass from some of my favorite people, here I am - ready to begin this journey I started a long time ago. Despite the ongoing grief, I’ve also changed for the better. I’m learning to set boundaries with people … to be okay with letting people go. And, most importantly, I’m learning that my self worth is not contingent upon my looks. I’ve found love and happiness in true friends, healing my relationship with my family, and most importantly, remembering that through all of this pain, life goes on.
I want to thank you for joining on this ongoing rollercoaster. We got stuck somewhere for quite some time, but I’m proud to say that things are slowly becoming aligned, and we’re coasting safely. This ride is everlasting and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love you, I’m here for you, and remember … we’re in this together. It’s good to be back again, Untamed family.
I want to thank some of the ones who have kept me encouraged during this time - this is dedicated to you.
To my siblings: Kristopher, Ciani, Tre, Nina and those who are no longer with us … thank you. I got us.
To my circle: Kayla, Abril, LaKaye, Brandon, JJ and so many more … thank you for keeping me lifted.